Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
Shop deviantART for the
holidays and save BIG!
Click here! :holly:
[x]

deviantART

 

Will They Break Me? by =save-my-soul93:iconsave-my-soul93:

Categories Literature > Poetry > General Poetry > Open


My heart dies a little inside
after every hit you take at my pride.
And every night I hold back my tears
in attempts to not show my insecurity and fears.

I think I will never let them break me...
and then I try to tell myself to be
strong, but it's hard to believe in my myself these days.

And it has also become hard to truly believe
that they can not break me
when they are destroying my heart
piece by piece,
day by day.
Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
:iconsave-my-soul93:

Author's Comments

...

First critique request!

Critiques


:iconbahama-dreams:
*Bahama-dreams Jul 5, 2009, 8:29:59 AM
The first stanza starts the piece as an AA BB format, then switches to a more of a spoken word format for the second and third stanzas. The second stanza break me with the second line attempting to rhyme with to be then strong on the next line followed by a comma breaks up the flow. They should be on the same line and the comma should come after but, then start the new line with it's. One spelling error truely first line third stanza. I like what the piece says and I don't know if you meant to change up the format, it does work except for the aforementioned flow breaker. I hope this helps
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.
3 Replies

Previous PageNext Page

Thank you for your Critique

You are not logged in.

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconnitefallcafe:
~NitefallCafe Jul 4, 2009, 5:07:39 PM
NO!!! Don't let them break u!

--
This is where I got my AVATAR!!!

[link]

NiteFall is where everything ends but Dawn is just the beginning.
NiteFall Cafe' is my name!
:iconsave-my-soul93:
=save-my-soul93 Jul 4, 2009, 5:10:17 PM
too late

--
There is no reason to life; there are only reasons to live.
:iconakirasamiri:
~AkiraSamiri Jul 4, 2009, 10:57:03 PM
yea you're a weakling...i'll kick you while you're down, so try not to fall too often lol

--
Akira Samiri
:iconsave-my-soul93:
=save-my-soul93 Jul 5, 2009, 6:59:30 AM
lol you're a jerk.

--
There is no reason to life; there are only reasons to live.
:icon3wyl:
=3wyl Jul 5, 2009, 9:45:25 AM
Interesting...

There's a saying that goes ... I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said it. Here you go: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

It applies here in the sense that no one can actually do anything to you unless you let it happen. :shrug:

In terms with the poem, I like the ending, but I think you've used "And" too excessively when you're starting sentences. With this topic in particular, you don't need it, because it'll create more of a choppy feeling.

--
Guaranteed & Constructive Comments - Contact a deviant today!
#ProjectComment | #Xpose-it | #alwaysmotivated
:iconsave-my-soul93:
=save-my-soul93 Jul 5, 2009, 9:51:34 AM
Ah okay, less use of ands! Got it! Thankies.

--
There is no reason to life; there are only reasons to live.
Previous PageNext Page

Details

July 4
608 bytes

Statistics

6
3 [who?]
80 (0 today)
4 (0 today)

Site Map

©2009 deviantART. All rights reserved
About Us | Contact Us | Site Tour | Help & FAQ Advertise | Services Etiquette | Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | Copyright Policy